Saturday, January 14, 2006

Blind Cracker

Ted's Awful Truth Blind Vice from 1/6/06:

One Chatty, Snorty Blind Vice

"Ugh. At midnight, your pooch threw up on the designer sofa. Then your man says those crabcakes didn't sit well with him. And you're in the medicine cabinet looking for the damn Alka-Seltzer. All the while, you know the Lincoln Town Car's gonna be waiting for you tomorrow. Oy. And you gotta be camera-ready on top of it! And perky! Really perky!

Yes, the life of a sickeningly popular boob-tube personality is demanding. How does one do it?

With cocaine, you twit. Every dummy knows that, nowadays. It's like any idiot who's halfway rich 'n' famous is back at Studio 54 again--only with less hairspray and jobs to go to in the ayem.

And the above tired-ass, drugged out, fake-smiled act certainly applies to Babe Dimple-Doo. In fact, this scenario fits Ms. D.-Doo so damn well, I'd say it's a miracle some tawdry story about the deceivingly demure dame hasn't surfaced in the tabs already. Gosh, wonder why that is?

Smarty Babe cut a deal, that's why.

Sundry supermarket rags enjoy regular access to BMs. Dimple-Doo's meatloaf recipes, bathroom designs and parlor-room thoughts whenever they so please. But hands off the powder trail! No surprise there. G.P. is all about the très-accessible image, see.

Like I always say, home is where the speeding heartbeat is, right?"

And it ain't: Kathy Lee Gifford, Judge Judy, or Nancy O'Dell

My guess is Kelly Ripa....thoughts?

And as per the Friday replies, it ain't:

Teri Hatcher : "Right figure. Wrong hair and profession, really. But close, so close!" - I think he says "close, so close" because Desperate Housewives is practically a soap and Kelly Ripa is (was?) on All My Children or something like that..
Katie Couric : "the correct sniffer is someone who makes Katie look like she's on tranquilizers." - let's face it, Kelly's a spaz.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

But Kelly has had a ton of babies. How could she sustain a blow habit when she's preggers 9 months out of the year?

10:33 PM  
Blogger Pope-rah said...

Diane Sawyer? - For some reason, i don't think Ted would call her "sickeningly popular" because she does have some cred. Also not in the mags enough

Star Jones? - not thin enough

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Martha Stewart?

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My guesses: Soledad O'Brien, Ann Curry or Alexis Glick.

8:20 AM  

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